There is no free will. If all our consciousness is selfless then it can only be illusion or God (or could it be both?)
Too much presence of mind, without some insight and love to go with it, can bring one to the edge of insanity. I know, because sometimes I go there. I sometimes feel close to things I don’t want to feel close to, but I have trust in myself to use that closeness to observe and learn, rather than react in an unhelpful way.
(Too much samatha, not enough vipassana, the bikkhu warned).
I can never really know how I got here. I’m just here, that’s all.