How I got Here

There is no free will. If all our consciousness is selfless then it can only be illusion or God (or could it be both?)

Too much presence of mind, without some insight and love to go with it, can bring one to the edge of insanity. I know, because sometimes I go there. I sometimes feel close to things I don’t want to feel close to, but I have trust in myself to use that closeness to observe and learn, rather than react in an unhelpful way.

(Too much samatha, not enough vipassana, the bikkhu warned).

I can never really know how I got here. I’m just here, that’s all.

genderwild mystic #7

Restrain yourself! -I escape from the gratuitous city.

Gratitude in my flat in the middle of the night -there is no noise here.

Letting go to near samadhi…it begins with a slowing of the mind. Then the speed of pure spirit enters the picture.

The more I let go the crap, the more I speed up.

Body shaking, another kind of letting go. In the middle of the room this body jerks around, taking all of the criticism of the past few days like bullets from every direction. I dance as I am hit by every one, and emerge unscathed, all of that negativity shaken out.

Sometimes I let go of the self-restraint, indulge myself (through one of various sense outlets) and find an extra burst of creativity and uniqueness abounds from within. Restraining myself for some days or weeks again, I put myself to the hard work of realising this uniqueness.

Grateful, but how much of my vision will I see manifest?

Sitting still, letting go, the shape of this body seems absurd.Why would the mind be limited to this strange mass atop my neck? Surely it isn’t? No man here, no woman, much less a human being. Something alien to my human perception, something that just is, something that can never be what humans think it to be.

Then I get up, crazy for some way to effect my insights into general fulfilment in the world. It’s not possible except on its own terms. Nothing to do with me. (There’s nothing to do with me).

So I drop back into desire and the momentum for worldly change, activist achievement, applause for my Art, a righteous redirecting of unjust flows of revenue, and why not?

This genderwild mystic pauses for some affirmation. None comes except the pause itself perhaps.  I saw the need to pause. The advanced form of letting go is speeding up, but then more advanced again is letting go of the speeding up, as necessary, and slowing down again.

It’s almost a miracle that anyone in the world will be able to read these words in just a few minutes’ time. Tell that to someone who lived one hundred years ago. My gratitude is such that if I were to die today, it’s okay, I have known magic.

Perhaps this civilisation is at it’s peak. But the internet can facilitate whatever is next.

I didn’t quite believe the bhikku, at the time, when he said that more than anything he wanted anonymity. But reflecting in the intervening years, I feel the wisdom. May all my celebrity be ironic and an instrument of justice. That’s all.

Otherwise, let me live my remaining years in a forest far from here, perhaps in the Carpathians at the mercy of wolves and bears, the She-ones…I’d rather spill blood to mix with soil and pine resin, die exposed and smell those last, more than any artificial human scent.

Aloneness

Alone -All One.

Walking down by the river Taw -All One.

Ready to launch myself into Bristol from my sweet village home in Devon -All One.

Ready to launch myself into relationship, from a secure being-with-myself.

Trepidatious (madeup word) but keen to get down to entrepreneurial business.

That means leading with my ideas, because who else could lead from what is in my head?

It means being alone and being happy to be alone. All one and then the harmony will surely grow from this solid ground.

In the space between the Christian death and rebirth, there is a Buddhist void of no-self. I felt it during a few moments of samadhi, sat on the cushion this morning. A sweet aloneness that shed everything from it; all cares, all worries, all loneliness even.

 

genderwild mystic; diary #2

The first practice is celibacy; sexual restraint. For someone like me, to be unrestrained is only to be frustrated and oppressed by a sexually unenlightened culture.

The second practice is gratefulness. Despite the years of mental illness I have suffered, I am a privileged white man with access to the middleclass wealth that has been passed down from my grandparents.

The third practice is ‘letting go’, or in Theravadin Buddhist terms, ‘samatha’ meditation. I sit and feel grateful, and then I let go. I let go of thoughts. After years of practice, I can fairly quickly reach a state of no-mind; one pointedness of mind, or samadhi. This is the basis for a practice of mindfulness in my waking life, from moment to moment. It gives focus.

Sexual restraint strengthens will-power and supports mindfulness and focus. In return, mindfulness and focus aid sexual restraint. Again, I am no prude. But in a sex-negative culture I would rather abstain. At least until I can find a community of sexually liberated and more importantly, heart-liberated human beings.

Epic tomorrows require warrior mystics for a new post-capitalist global civilisation. Mystics that can reconcile the Earth Sciences with spirituality and secularism, in a way that is divorced from patriarchy and destructive corporate capitalism.